LDS Humor

A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting — not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. “Simple”, said the Bishop. “I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep.”

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David.” The second boy got in front of the class and said, “My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix.” The third boy got in front of the class and said, ” My name is Johnny and I am Mormon and this is a casserole.”

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?

A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Kleptomaniac and a Mormon?

A: A basement full of stolen food.

An LDS child needed to bring an old shirt from home for a school project about drug prevention. The mother was busy and handed her child an old T-shirt without examining it. Later, she was appalled to see her child wearing the T-shirt through the mall. On the front it said, “A Family is Forever.” On the back: “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

One busy Saturday as I was leaving for work and my husband was leaving for the temple, our 11-year-old asked who was going to fix breakfast. We told him that his 15-year-old brother would. He replied, “Would this be a good time to use my 72-hour kit?”

Missionary Advice: “When a big mean, dog attacks you, Elder, just remember, you don’t have to run faster than the dog, … you just have to outrun your companion.”

When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries’ field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read “Missionaries Only.”

The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing Frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, “Every member a missionary.”

(A true story) It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, “It’s warm. We’re sorry. But it’s not as warm as it’s going to get if you don’t repent!”

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it takes four. One to fix refreshments. One to bring the tablecloth. One to design the Center Piece, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don’t do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four. Three that don’t show up, and One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests it takes four. Two to push the wheel chairs. One to handle the oxygen tank, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one. He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.

Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!

Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that!

Bride on her wedding day: “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” Mother: “Yes, but at which end?”

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, “You are a man of the cloth… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again

the barber refused payment saying, “You are a man of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, “You work in the service of God… this is a free service that I offer to you.” The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

… Author unknown