Letter From Mom

(My wife is of Norwegian descent, and she provided this.)

Dear Son,

Yust a few lines to let you know dat I’m still alive. I’m writing dis letter slowly, because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t know da house ven you come home because ve’ve moved. It’s a lot of trouble moving. Da most difficult part vas da bed. Da man vouldn’t let us put it in da taxi. It vouldn’t have been bad if you father hadn’t been sleeping it at da time. Your dad has a new yob now….he has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at da cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to a fellow she’s been going out vit. He have her a beautiful engagement ring vit tree stones missing. Our neighbors, da Browns, are keeping pigs. Ve got vind of it dis morning. I got my appendix out and a new dishwasher put in.

Dere vas a washing machine in da new house when ve moved in, but it vasn’t working too good. Last veek I put 14 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen dem since.

Your sister Mary had a baby dis morning. I haven’t heard if it’s a boy or girl, so I don’t know if you’re an uncle or an aunt. Your uncle drowned last veek in a vat of viskey at da Distillery. Four of his vorkmates dove in to save him, but he bravely fought dem off. Ve cremated his body. It took tree days to put out da fire.

Kate is vorking in a factory. She’s been vorking dere for six veeks. I’m sending her some clean clothes. She says she’s been vorking in da same shift since she started. Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going until New Year’s Eve.

Last veek, I vent to the doctors and your dad vent vit me. Da doctor put a small glass tube in my mout and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your dad offered to buy da glass tube from him. It only rained twice last veek, first for tree days, den for four days.

Monday vas so vindy, vun of da hens laid da same egg four times. Ve had a letter from the undertaker yesterday. He said if da installment vasn’t paid on your grandmother vit in seven days, up she come.

I have to close for now, the plumber is vaiting to fix da pipes and dere is a shocking smell.

Your loving mother

P.S. I vas going to put in ten dollars, but I had already sealed da envelope.

… Author unknown